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Washington, DC – January 20, 2013: BREAKING NEWS from the Dissociated Press –-

By the Special Roving Reporter for the Dissociated Press

Newly inaugurated President Mitt Romney stunned Washington with his Inaugural Address at noon today, just after taking the oath of office, by announcing his intentions to declare war against Russia, Iran, and Syria, and to end all unemployment in the US as part of the war effort. The full text of his address follows. It was the shortest on record:

“My fellow Americans:  The two most urgent problems facing our nation today are the scarcity of jobs for Americans who want them and need them, and the increasing extreme danger and hostility of Russia, Syria, and Iran to the United State and our allies.

“I will deal with both these disasters in one stroke, as did my revered predecessor Franklin Roosevelt after he was reelected in 1940. He solved the jobs problem and the foreign-enemy problem by preparing for all-out war against the Axis powers.

“FDR was right. Today I am declaring a national Emergency and signing the necessary executive orders to put America on a war footing, in both industrial production and military preparedness.

“If the Russian, Iranian, and Syrian governments do not agree to our demands, we will use our armed forces on land, sea, and air against them.

“We will begin a draft of men and women to serve in our Armed Forces as soon as Congress passes the necessary laws –- which needs to be done by the end of the week. In addition to selected men and women between 18 and 25, all prisoners convicted of nonviolent crimes will be drafted into the Armed Forces. Those convicted of violent crimes will be reviewed by special draft boards on a case-by-case basis.

“We will not, of course, be the first to use nuclear weapons.  But just after taking the oath, I handed the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff an order to take our nuclear forces onto DefCon 2/ Red Alert as a deterrent to any use or threat of use of such weapons against us.

 “Meanwhile, our factories will soon be humming again, our trucks and trains speeding through night and day, as we rehire 15 million Americans to do the necessary back-up work. Your government will spend whatever money is necessary to put all of you back to work in our emergency war effort. Six months from now, unemployment in America will be but a memory, as will the presence of illegal aliens undermining our workers and our patriotic unity.

 “Make no mistake, we are preparing for a major renewal of American power, American prosperity, and the American spirit.

“God bless the United States and all our patriotic citizens.”


[The Dissociated Press seeks to report not the “actual facts” but the deeper “counter-factual” truth. Sometimes that truth is datelined from a hidden place beneath the surface of the facts, sometimes from the future  — as in the photograph of our reporter, above.  Often this kind of truth will read like satire.Our Roving Reporter has been on special leave from the Dissociated Press for the last six months, studying the effects of religion on American politics, and vice versa.  For back files of his reports for  the Dissociated Press click here: ]