[Beijing, Dissociated Press, July 4, 2011. The Dissociated Press seeks to report not the “actual facts” but the deeper “counter-factual” truth. Sometimes that truth is datelined from a hidden place beneath the surface of the facts, sometimes from the future  — see graphic above.  Often this kind of truth will read like satire.]

By Arthur Waskow, Special Roving Reporter for the Dissociated Press 

Chinese President Hu Jintao announced today in a hastily called news conference that “Former US President George W. Bush has been arrested by the People’s Liberation Army of the Chinese People’s Republic and is now under detention in China, charged with war crimes in the invasion of Iraq and with the use of torture forbidden by international law.”

Tumult broke out in the news room as soon as these words had left President Hu’s mouth, and many reporters were heard shouting into cell phones. After several minutes, order was restored and questions were shouted at Mr. Hu:

“How was he arrested?”  -- “Special detachments of the Army’s Tiger Team helicoptered into Texas last night, overcame ineffective defenses, and withdrew with Mr. Bush. The Tiger Team was under strict instructions

to arrest him and under no circumstances allow him to be injured.”

“You said ‘charged with crimes.”  Will there be a trial?”  ---  “Of course.  Mr. Bush has already been invited to name any lawyers of his choice, from anywhere in the world. The trial will be public, held under the strictest standards of international scrutiny. The People’s Republic of China will present witnesses, and we expect that Mr. Bush’s defense attorneys will do the same.”

“What made you decide on this unprecedented action?” --  “Actually, there are a number of precedents.  Most recently, there was the action taken by the US itself on Pakistani territory against Osama bin Laden, who seems by his own confession to have planned and executed monstrous crimes in the attacks of September 11, 2001. In that case, as you know, there was no trial. Long before, there was the extraterritorial arrest of Adolf Eichmann by agents of the State of Israel, followed by his trial.  And various persons accused of war crimes in the Balkans or in Africa have been arrested and put on trial.”

“But what stirred you to do this now?” --  “Under international law, all states are both authorized and required to bring to justice persons credibly accused of war crimes and torture. There were two factors in our decision: One was that in his own autobiography, Mr. Bush confessed that he had ordered the use of waterboarding, universally recognized as a form of torture. We waited to see whether any United States authorities would fulfill their obligation to act after this admission, but none did.” 

“Don’t you expect the United States to respond with great force to this violation of its sovereignty?”  --  Mr. Hu cupped both hands in front of him, and said: “In these hands the Chinese People’s Republic  holds the public debt and therefore the economy of the United States.   This debt was placed in our hands – I think in English you call this ‘irony’ --  by Mr. Bush himself, through  the enormous expenses he ran up in the invasion and occupation of Iraq and in the tax cuts he provided for the extremely wealthy in America.

“As a result, we expect there will be many public statements of outrage by the US authorities, but we do not expect them to take any serious action.  In any case, if they themselves had acted as they were obligated to do when Mr. Bush publicly confessed to ordering the use of torture, we would not have taken these steps.” 

“What about China’s own violation of human rights in Tibet and elsewhere?”  --  “These allegations are of course false, and China enforces with full justice its own laws on its own territory.  We do not interfere in the domestic affairs of any other country, and we do not permit such interference in our own. ” 

[Same reporter}: “Sir, that is just not so. I am of Tibetan ancestry, and I myself know of 17 cases…"  [At that point four men in plain clothes surrounded the reporter, covered his mouth, and swept him out of the room. As the room sat in shocked silence, President Hu said:] “Just as I remarked, we have no internal human rights problem, and China enforces its laws with vigor. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen."  [He bowed, and left.] 

                                                                                                == 30 == 

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The Dissociated Press is a new project of The Shalom Center.  Unlike regular Shalom Reports, the Dissociated Press seeks to report not the “actual facts” but the deeper “counter-factual” truth. Sometimes that truth is datelined from a hidden place beneath the surface of the facts, sometimes from the future — see graphic above).  Often this kind of truth will read like satire.]